I arrived home today and collected the mail (as usual), and proceeded to the front door. Lent up against the door was a large A4 packet, marked clearly 'Australian Government'...very official. It was addressed to Mr. VVB. I left, and have just returned to the house to discover that the official package was in fact a once in a lifetime opportunity for Mr. VVB to participate in...
The 'NATIONAL BOWEL CANCER SCREENING PROGRAM'!!
What an opportunity. What an honour. Mr. VVB is indeed a very lucky man.
The general gist is that the Australian Government would like Mr.VVB to provide them with 2 very special little brown presents.
So what's in the packet? Let's have a look.
- Two specimen collection sheets (Did you know that someone makes money out of making paper that you poo on?)
- Two collection sticks (I thought that a spoon would have been more appropriate)
- Two collection tubes (no comment)
- Two labels (he gets to name them)
- Two screw-top transport tubes (so they can go everywhere he does)
- Instructions for sample collection (in case you have never sampled your own excrement before).
- One reply paid envelope. (Which appears to be addressed to the wrong person, I'm sure if Mr.VVB were going to send his poo somewhere it would be to John Howard).
Storage and handling seem to be of concern, displayed in clear red writing. "Sample tubes should be stored at room temperature in a dark, dry location. May be stored in fridge but do not freeze."
So here's Mr. VVB, he's just done his service to Australia...and now he's going to put his two new friends (Todd and Jeremy...he got to name them, remember) in the fridge next to last night's left overs.
Will he do it? Won't he? Will he be allowed on to a plane to Tasmania with the kit, or will it be considered a weapon? All that and more when VVB returns in 2 weeks....
Over and out.Postscript from VVB:
Various thoughts spring to mind, foremost amongst which is "Australia expects every man this day to do his duty...then collect it in a bag and send it back to us."
As for instructions on how to collect, in case you haven't collected sample of your own excrement before...hmmm, yes. Not one of my hobbies, so, no but yes, but no.
Also, how does someone invent the floating poo catcher? And what testing does it go through to determine fitness for purpose? I think someone's been straining to get to this point.
Anyway I think I'll leave Todd and Jeremy in the fridge, maybe someone can feed them to the cat.
As mini-VVB-ette said...over and......OUT!
Post-script to the post-script: You know it's an election year when you get an unsolicited letter from the government asking you to tell them about something that's very important to you. And enclose a demonstration.