mouth

Today's Brisbane Sunday Mail, and no doubt other papers, carried a two full page advertisement aimed at correcting recent scientific pronouncements that mouthwashes containing alcohol can raise the risk of oral cancer. Part of the advertisement read as follows:

Mouthwashes are proud of their long history of advancing oral health.

So I went into the bathroom and said to the bottle of Listerine that it was time we had a deep and meaningful. Did it stand by the statement? Was there any evidence? Could a bottle of mouthwash actually demonstrate human characteristics even if, sadly, it was one of the seven deadly sins?

Rather disappointingly, and although I expended some time on this effort, I received no response from the Listerine. On reflection, I could not recall a single time when the Listerine has communicated with me, whether to defend its role in the maintenance of oral health at VVB or indeed to pass comment some other pressing issue, whether health-related or in some other field of endeavour. Even on such a fraught issue as the invasion of Iraq, the Listerine had kept it counsel.

You can imagine my frustration. However, it then occurred to me this was in fact the first time that, for my part, I had attempted any form of communication with a bottle of Listerine and it was probably an endeavour doomed to futility from the word go. Why hadn't I seen this coming?

My distress is acute and, in my hour of need, I can do nothing save blame the Sunday Mail for inducing such abnormal behaviour.

Stands to reason, doesn't it?