You want to read a review of a restaurant, but you find it contains these words: "I’m perfectly aware of exactly how interesting and attractive a middle-aged, invalid penis is."
Don't tell me you don't want to click through to find out how.
Alright then, how about "...a mincemeat hernia in a bread roll..."
Off you go.
If you don't like Gill you can try Giles Coren, presumably son of Alan Coren, a former editor of the lamented Punch and author of Golfing for Cats, a copy of which still resides in my bookcase.
Here's a taster: "...their arses bulging against the dumpling walls like stolen babies stuffed in a pillow case." Guess what he's talking about.
Alert - it's awfully snobby, young Mr Coren demonstrates that, similar to political ability, being funny can't be inherited.