01 January 2010


All right. We are now in the teenies, having more or less successfully negotiated the noughties. And as it's New Year's Day, we have to make some resolutions. I'm not sure if there's a rule that you have to, for example, make resolutions before midday (oh no! too late!) or nanna-nap time (coming up soon), sort of like how practical jokes have to be performed (*) before midday on April first.

(*) Do you perform practical jokes or is there some more appropriate verb?

Anyway as we are not unduly hungover and cannot find evidence of any such rule (having cast quickly about the room for clues, no, no posters on the wall or similar) then let us, without too much further ado, make some resolutions. Are we sitting comfortably? If not, buy a new computer chair like we did back in the noughties. Let us begin. No, now.

  1. Remember to breathe.
  2. Breathe more deeply and slowly.
  3. While we are breathing more deeply and slowly, try not to shout at the television as much.
  4. Keep breathing.
  5. Try to realise that not all other motorists are as stupid and incompetent as they appear, so don't shout at them either.
  6. Review resolution No 5 regularly, as I don't believe it is soundly based.
  7. Don't shout at the inutterably stupid letters and SMSs in the newspapers.
  8. Try to be calmer - slow, deep, regular breathing is said to an aid to this.
  9. Work on upper body strength, all the while remembering to breathe.
  10. Remember that just because somebody writes something, it doesn't mean it's either true or makes sense. Particularly anything that starts with "all right-thinking people" or "it's just common sense" or anything attributed to any established religion (particularly religions with a financial improvement fixation, whether for their adherents or themselves).
  11. Actually, try to stop shouting all the time.
  12. Practise the piano.
  13. If this doesn't work, practise playing the piano.
  14. And the guitar.
  15. Continue discovering that playing the piano or the guitar seems to slow the breathing and the blood pressure and you can't shout at things while practising.
  16. Remember that if you are, for example, going to play the guitar for people who, just for example, happen to be at your house for a New Year's Eve party, then it makes good sense not to do this after you've reached the point of intoxication where you, just to pick an example at random, forget the words.
  17. Try to write better blog posts.
  18. For example, don't continue to be so inextricably literal.
  19. Work on whole sentence structure, not just randomly used words to create an impression.
  20. Don't be so competitive, it's not a race.
  21. Review resolution no 20 regularly, as I don't believe it is soundly based.
  22. Keep breathing.
  23. And don't shout so much.

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